Saturday, November 04, 2006

Checking for this week

I'm relatively okay. Although I did a bit of a bad thing just before. I decided I should post on an forum (that I used to get porn from) to say why I hadn't been around and ask how other porn users see the issue of porn addiction.

And I thought I'd have a quick look at the thumbnails. Which I did. I looked at about 6 forum threads, but closed the window before the brain in the pants took over.

God this is so not easy. Still I got other things to do than sit around waste time looking at porn, so yeah. So do you.

Welcome to driveon!

There's another porn quitting weblog in town, and you should check it out and offer your support. Everytime I see one of these it makes it a little bit easier to stay on target myself, so I love hearing from other people who are on the same journey as me.

Driveon's porn quitting blog

Thursday, October 26, 2006

clean & clear is the plan

Well today was always going to be the test. I am in the danger zone in so far as I have internet access by myself, and I will be alone for much of the next 3 days.

So the plan is to stay away from the porn for the entire friday/saturday/sunday. That will be the real starting point for this push to get rid of porn.

Wish me luck.

Wednesday, October 25, 2006

day something o rather.

I am just checking in. Instead of browsing/downloading porn, I have work to get done.

I just don't want to waste my life away on this shit.

Last few days have been easy, as I haven't been alone. Today I am alone, and I have several days worth of unfettered internet access coming up. But I can stay in control.

At this stage in the peice it's too early to be really feeling the withdrawal like I did last time. That will come in time.

Maybe I'm in a better place to deal with it this time around.

Sunday, October 22, 2006

well i just deleted 3gb of porn.

Hey folks. I feel a bit shit. In fact, I have been feeling very shit for the last couple of months. Porn isn't soley to blame, but it's a big part of what went wrong recently.

Basically I did exactly what I shouldn't of done, which was to use my slip-up as an excuse to look at more porn. And more. And more.

I swear for the last 2 months whenever I have had a chance I've been looking up porn. I feel like such a dick.

I just deleted what I have downloaded, and i know its way overdue for me to get on top of this problem. I feel fucking ordinary right now though. I have let myself down and wasted SO MUCH TIME.

Shit.

Look, this is harder and more difficult than I had originally thought. I need to find self control and I need not to know where to find porn.

In the last couple of weeks it had truly escalated and I had found a more plentiful source of "quality" porn than I had previously thought possible. I have been downloading and browsing in my spare time, and in time I should have been working. This is not good.

I have to get this under control. That means no more porn.

I will post more later on, but I feel like shit right now. :(

Thursday, August 24, 2006

The fallout since last sunday

Well, it's been a difficult week for me since my slip-up. I have felt pretty shit about it since. Especially given that either stress about it or just guilt in general caused me to have pretty bad headaches and I just felt pretty shit in general.

I can't explain to someone who hasn't tried to giveup how depressing it is to realize afterwards that you had given in. It's just shit awful. Mostly because I feel like it is a betrayal of my partners trust.

Which was probably my original issue with porn. I was using it so much that I felt like i was getting a significant part of my sexual gratification elsewhere. Which I really was.

Anyway, in my last post I talked about feeling numb, and not really feeling regret. Well in the hours and days since then I felt much worse. Basically I just thought it was idiotic to fold after such a long period in time.

Still life is for the living, and the sooner I pick myself up and start focusing on getting rid of porn again the sooner I can continue to work on my life. It was also a timely reminder of how porn doesn't really sort you out for much more than the time you are looking at it, and the eventual masturbation. It seems like such a waste of time. I love looking at women and that part of it obviously is what makes it "fun", but it's ultimately unfulfulling.

Sunday, August 20, 2006

So I fucked up.

Feeling a bit disconnected today, but basically I fucked up.

I was bored and horny, and instead of going for a workout and recognising the warning signs I kept on playing around on the internet. A couple of hours of browsing later I was at one of my old haunts.

It didn't start innocently. I was in the mood for, and looking for porn. I am to blame for this and I have to now start over with my porn quitting.

I dont feel regret at the moment, I just feel numb. I think regret will come later. But basically I also just feel stupid for giving in, after nearly 5 months.

Last night i had this dream where i confessed the whole thing to my partner and was bawling my eyes out. This is the first time I've had such a dream. Normally I dream about getting off to porn. I was exhausted after last night and I haven't been sleeping well. I think all these little things add up to making you more susceptible to porn.

But that's no excuse, I knew what I was doing. I just did it anyway.

Today I start over.

Thursday, August 17, 2006

It doesn't get any less tempting.

I am writing this instead of looking up porn. For some reason, I feel inexplicably drawn to viewing porn today. I am 4 and half months away from the last time I looked at porn.

I don't understand why the pull is so strong today, but even as I write this, I feel I can cope with the desire now.

Pretty messed up yeah?

I really cannot express how much porn has fucked me up. I want guys out there to understand that porn can really control your life, and that by not being able to control your intake of porn you can waste so much time.

I still want to look at some porn, but instead I am going to focus on work, and maybe go to the gym.

Since giving up porn i have lost quite a bit of weight - my partner has noticed that. Sex for us has been a little difficult though as we are both so busy. I think that's partly why I feel so drawn to porn this morning. I am properly alone for the first time in a few weeks, and Im a bit horny. Stupid internet. Stupid internet user more like.

I just needed to post today. I can avoid the impulse and be incontrol as long as I focus on not letting it overwhelm me. It doesn't get magically easier, just in case you are wondering what im trying to say here. Porn will continue to be an uphill battle for me, but anything worth doing doesn't come easy.