trying bloody hard

Checking for this week

2006-11-04T20:43:00.000-08:00

I'm relatively okay. Although I did a bit of a bad thing just before. I decided I should post on an forum (that I used to get porn from) to say why I hadn't been around and ask how other porn users see the issue of porn addiction.

And I thought I'd have a quick look at the thumbnails. Which I did. I looked at about 6 forum threads, but closed the window before the brain in the pants took over.

God this is so not easy. Still I got other things to do than sit around waste time looking at porn, so yeah. So do you.

Welcome to driveon!

2006-11-04T20:31:00.000-08:00

There's another porn quitting weblog in town, and you should check it out and offer your support. Everytime I see one of these it makes it a little bit easier to stay on target myself, so I love hearing from other people who are on the same journey as me.

Driveon's porn quitting blog

clean & clear is the plan

2006-10-26T16:23:00.000-07:00

Well today was always going to be the test. I am in the danger zone in so far as I have internet access by myself, and I will be alone for much of the next 3 days.

So the plan is to stay away from the porn for the entire friday/saturday/sunday. That will be the real starting point for this push to get rid of porn.

Wish me luck.

day something o rather.

2006-10-25T01:15:00.000-07:00

I am just checking in. Instead of browsing/downloading porn, I have work to get done.

I just don't want to waste my life away on this shit.

Last few days have been easy, as I haven't been alone. Today I am alone, and I have several days worth of unfettered internet access coming up. But I can stay in control.

At this stage in the peice it's too early to be really feeling the withdrawal like I did last time. That will come in time.

Maybe I'm in a better place to deal with it this time around.

well i just deleted 3gb of porn.

2006-10-22T18:02:00.000-07:00

Hey folks. I feel a bit shit. In fact, I have been feeling very shit for the last couple of months. Porn isn't soley to blame, but it's a big part of what went wrong recently.

Basically I did exactly what I shouldn't of done, which was to use my slip-up as an excuse to look at more porn. And more. And more.

I swear for the last 2 months whenever I have had a chance I've been looking up porn. I feel like such a dick.

I just deleted what I have downloaded, and i know its way overdue for me to get on top of this problem. I feel fucking ordinary right now though. I have let myself down and wasted SO MUCH TIME.

Shit.

Look, this is harder and more difficult than I had originally thought. I need to find self control and I need not to know where to find porn.

In the last couple of weeks it had truly escalated and I had found a more plentiful source of "quality" porn than I had previously thought possible. I have been downloading and browsing in my spare time, and in time I should have been working. This is not good.

I have to get this under control. That means no more porn.

I will post more later on, but I feel like shit right now. :(

The fallout since last sunday

2006-08-24T16:50:00.000-07:00

Well, it's been a difficult week for me since my slip-up. I have felt pretty shit about it since. Especially given that either stress about it or just guilt in general caused me to have pretty bad headaches and I just felt pretty shit in general.

I can't explain to someone who hasn't tried to giveup how depressing it is to realize afterwards that you had given in. It's just shit awful. Mostly because I feel like it is a betrayal of my partners trust.

Which was probably my original issue with porn. I was using it so much that I felt like i was getting a significant part of my sexual gratification elsewhere. Which I really was.

Anyway, in my last post I talked about feeling numb, and not really feeling regret. Well in the hours and days since then I felt much worse. Basically I just thought it was idiotic to fold after such a long period in time.

Still life is for the living, and the sooner I pick myself up and start focusing on getting rid of porn again the sooner I can continue to work on my life. It was also a timely reminder of how porn doesn't really sort you out for much more than the time you are looking at it, and the eventual masturbation. It seems like such a waste of time. I love looking at women and that part of it obviously is what makes it "fun", but it's ultimately unfulfulling.

So I fucked up.

2006-08-20T18:07:00.000-07:00

Feeling a bit disconnected today, but basically I fucked up.

I was bored and horny, and instead of going for a workout and recognising the warning signs I kept on playing around on the internet. A couple of hours of browsing later I was at one of my old haunts.

It didn't start innocently. I was in the mood for, and looking for porn. I am to blame for this and I have to now start over with my porn quitting.

I dont feel regret at the moment, I just feel numb. I think regret will come later. But basically I also just feel stupid for giving in, after nearly 5 months.

Last night i had this dream where i confessed the whole thing to my partner and was bawling my eyes out. This is the first time I've had such a dream. Normally I dream about getting off to porn. I was exhausted after last night and I haven't been sleeping well. I think all these little things add up to making you more susceptible to porn.

But that's no excuse, I knew what I was doing. I just did it anyway.

Today I start over.

It doesn't get any less tempting.

2006-08-17T17:15:00.000-07:00

I am writing this instead of looking up porn. For some reason, I feel inexplicably drawn to viewing porn today. I am 4 and half months away from the last time I looked at porn.

I don't understand why the pull is so strong today, but even as I write this, I feel I can cope with the desire now.

Pretty messed up yeah?

I really cannot express how much porn has fucked me up. I want guys out there to understand that porn can really control your life, and that by not being able to control your intake of porn you can waste so much time.

I still want to look at some porn, but instead I am going to focus on work, and maybe go to the gym.

Since giving up porn i have lost quite a bit of weight - my partner has noticed that. Sex for us has been a little difficult though as we are both so busy. I think that's partly why I feel so drawn to porn this morning. I am properly alone for the first time in a few weeks, and Im a bit horny. Stupid internet. Stupid internet user more like.

I just needed to post today. I can avoid the impulse and be incontrol as long as I focus on not letting it overwhelm me. It doesn't get magically easier, just in case you are wondering what im trying to say here. Porn will continue to be an uphill battle for me, but anything worth doing doesn't come easy.

Beware of false prophets

2006-07-19T02:07:00.000-07:00

I won't link to the blog, that inspired this comment. But I just wanted to re-iterate something important that Chris said.

You do not need god to give up porn.

You can choose to if that's part of your faith or whatever, but don't introduce some boogeyman to scare you into doing what you know is right. Take responsibility for yourself and your actions.

Porn doesn't have to be unhealthy, but recognising when it is, and dealing with it, is a process any human being can do.

Welcome to "Heat of the Moment"

2006-07-14T16:37:00.000-07:00

I'd just like to say welcome to Blind Tomorrow over at Heat of the moment, he's taken the first steps in the journey to quit porn and that's excellent.

For anyone who wants to quit porn, I believe documenting it in this fashion is absolutely the way to go. Porn is often a private addiction and the utilization of blogging lets you privately share your thoughts and come to grips with a really difficult thing.

If you are planning to give it up, please comment on this or the other porn quitting blogs linked on the right hand side, and I'm sure each of us will happily link back to you, and read your posts. We're all in this together, and it's really important to understand that you can beat this and get it under control, and that you are not alone.

Please visit Heat of the Moment and give him your support.

3 Months.

2006-07-01T22:31:00.000-07:00

Yes. Quietly pleased with the effort so far. I feel clear headed and good today.

And in celebration I would like to share some lyrics of a song that has helped me. It's called Up the Wolves by the Mountain goats.

up the wolves

there's bound to be a ghost at the back of your closet
no matter where you live.
there'll always be a few things, maybe several things
that you're going to find really difficult to forgive.

there's going to come a day when you feel better.
you'll rise up free and easy on that day.
and float from branch to branch,
lighter than the air.
just when that day is coming, who can say? who can say?

our mother has been absent ever since we founded rome.
but there's going to be a party when the wolf comes home.

were going to commandeer the local airwaves
to tell the neighbours whats been going on.
and they will shake their heads and wag their bony fingers
in all the wrong directions,
and by daybreak we'll be gone.

I'm going to get myself in fighting trim,
scope out every angle of unfair advantage.
I'm going to bribe the officials.
I'm going to kill all the judges.
it's going to take you people years to recover from all of the damage.

our mother has been absent ever since we founded rome.
but there's going to be a party when the wolf comes home.

go!

Today is a good day. If you're thinking about it, give quitting porn a go. Your life will improve.

1 day to go and 3 months porn free

2006-06-30T19:11:00.000-07:00

Well as the title says, I've got one day to go and I'm 3 months porn free.

Yesterday I really wanted to go check out some porn, which is a pretty good indicator that I'm still not completely in control of this thing.

Anyway, I've got stuff to do, but I just wanted to check in. Basically, I'm re-affirming my choice not to view porn, and want to continue to be porn free, tomorrow, the next day, the next week, the next month.. etc etc.

11 days to go and it'll be 3 months

2006-06-21T17:08:00.000-07:00

Well i've got 11 days to go and I'll be 3 months in. I haven't got into the porn, and I feel pretty good.

Occasionally the desire to seek out porn comes up. It sort of seems to come from no-where, but I assume that deep down I'm think I'm still struggling very hard with this. I re-read some of earlier posts this morning for a bit of perspective and it is absolutely amazing to re-read some of the stuff I've posted. I gives me a real appreciation of how far I've come and how far I have to go still.

I posted earlier that I have no intention to view porn anytime soon, after I pass a milestone. I'd like to reiterate that statement. I think it would be harder for me to give up porn or get in control if I looked at it again. So the porn embargo continues. No porn has or will pass by me.

I haven't got much to say today. I think that partly its due to the fact I have other more pressing things to take care of, and the danger of viewing porn is starting to wane for me. I think if I continue to take one day at a time, and avoid danger times, I can completely remove porn from my life.

11 days time and I will be 3 months porn free. Peversely, I think that will be amongst my most proud moments.

Remembering to laugh.

2006-06-13T20:28:00.000-07:00

On a related note, I was playing phoenix wright ace attourney for Nintendo DS. It's all anime style. So far theres a bit of a anime hottie in it as a character. I couldn't help but find the depiction of the lawyer woman with the rediculously large breasts a bit appealing. It reminds me of the time I printed out hentai on a shitty black and white printer, and had it hidden away in my bag. I would furtively wank to it. Absolutely hilariously tragic in hindsight. Chris' comment on my last post reminded me that It's okay to laugh about this stuff.

Porn is silly, and I think now it seems to have less of a hold over me, I can start to see how stupid I was and how funny it is. Porn is something you can most definately do without, it really is a parody of everything decent to do with sex. I can really see a positive change in my attitude towards women (even though I thought I was pretty okay before the great porn quit of '06) and my attitude towards sex seems to be more constructive.

I'm horny right now, but that doesn't mean I have to watch porn, instead I can make a nice dinner, take my gf out for a movie or whatever and when we get home have a great shag. Real sex is about 2000% times better than wanking to porn.

I think it's just too easy to get caught up in porn, and indavertantly take it all too seriously. Have a laugh, enjoy sex, and stay clear of the skin flicks! ;)

2 & 1/2 months in.

2006-06-13T20:12:00.000-07:00

Still (comparatively) clean!

What amazes me, and I have to reiterate this folks, is that the desire to view porn disappates, but sometimes its still very very strong. I really would love to look at some today. But I'm not going to.

I was also going to blog a minor failure last week, but blogger was down. I'm sharing this in the interest of complete transparency. Chris from porn forgotten quite rightly pointed out that I should be completely honest with my posting, if you can't be honest anonymously on the net, where can you be?

I was in blockbuster (video rental shop for anywhere that doesn't have it - mongolia maybe?) and while browsing for videos I picked up a fairly tame looking porn dvd (it was next to the normal rentals - not in some secluded section) and looked at the back cover. When I was picking it up, I was thinking to myself that it looked pretty funny and wondering to myself how I ever got so caught up in that shit. However when I looked at the back cover I copped a bit of an eyeful of porn. The funny thing is that it felt like when I first viewed porn, in that the images seemed to burn into my brain. I can still picture the little pictures on the back of the case.

I think this was a failure on my part. I'm not taking it too hard on myself, but I do think I messed up when I picked it up. What did I expect to see? Porn obviously.

It shocked me a bit how I reacted. I was a bit stunned. Someone who has seen soo much porn, and it felt like quite a physical blow. Espescially after being porn free for such a short period of time. At least short period of time when viewed in the perspective of 13 years of exposure to the stuff.

Anyway. That was my messup last week. The last 6 days have passed without incident, and i haven't used this as an excuse to view porn. So I think I am on the right track.

Random notes from the fringe

2006-06-04T18:19:00.000-07:00

Just a quick one as I have stuff to do today.

The desire to view porn dissapates, but it doesn't go away. Every time I type in the address to login and post to this is a minor victory in my fight against porn.

I'd encourage anyone else in interweb land to register another email account and setup a blog (blogger is free and anonymous) and share your experiences.

I'm sure there's plenty of you out there, and I'd definately appreciate the extra support, and it's a great way to start getting control of a porn problem.

2 months in!

2006-06-02T17:46:00.000-07:00

On one hand it feels like the time has gone so fast. On the other, it feels like an age since I looked at porn.

I am still clear of porn!

Here's some stuff I have learnt along the way so far: (apologies to folks who've read everything I've posted because it might be a bit repetative.)

1. Porn wastes more time than you can believe.
2. It takes up your sexual energy that you could otherwise spend on actual sex/relatioships
3. It has a mental effect on your feelings of self worth
4. It conditions you to fantasize and react to sexual stimulation in a proscribed and unrealistic way
5. It'll fuck you up if you get into it too much (like me)
6. Masturbation for sexual release is completely different to masturbating to porn.
7. The sex/porn business has some fairly horrible implications for marginilized/poor/disadvantaged women the world over.
8. If you pull the plug on porn, regular sex and life in general seems to be a lot better.
9. Posting on a blog at the danger times is a great way to build a more positive habit in place of the porn.

Orrite. Next up? Well My plan was to get clean for 3 months and stay clean. I think I can do this. Some days I struggle. I have dreams where I'm acessesing porn still and it fucks me up, because I wake up a cold sweat thinking I have failed. I'm scared of porn - or more accurately I'm aware and I accept responsibilty for my inability to control my usage of porn and the way forward for me is porn-free.

Last weekend I went and looked at engagement rings. I am planning to ask my girlfriend of several years to marry me. (!!!)

However, I plan to be at least 3 months porn free. And I think I am going to have to tell her. But I REALLY don't want to. I geuss you do the crime you pay the time, sort of thing applies here. But I feel like she doesn't know and it will hurt her so much. I don't want to sow the seeds of doubt. But I feel I should give her that knowledge and let her discuss it with me and deal with it before I ask her to marry me. But it feels shit. I feel like a petulant child who doesn't want to own up to his mistake.

I'm undecided. The more I think about it, the more I want to tell her, but also I dread to think what it would do to the trust, intimacy and overall dynamic of our relationship. It's absolutely fucked. I cannot even explain this to a non-porn addict and expect them to understand, but you can be utterly addicted to porn and also love someone so much. Its a messed up double standard. I love her, and I'm so sorry for getting so lost along the way.

responses to "are you ever cured of porn addiction?"

2006-05-21T17:53:00.000-07:00

This is in response to a post on pornfogotten & also on forever horny.

I think it's worth posting here too: Everyone will deal with porn in their own way. It is hard to say just how important this is. Even if you are struggling, the best thing to do is recognize you have a problem and deal with it, the best way you can. Everyone reacts differently.

I'm more convinced this is the case as I poke around the net looking for more (intelligent) anti-porn resources.

I miss porn, and I like it a lot. But I cannot give over control of so much of my life and my sexuality to my computer. I was out of control, and I feel like I cannot safely view porn because I know how quickly I can collect a shitload of the stuff again.

For me, I simply cannot measure out a "safe dose" of porn, because I will no doubt start my collection again. Maybe not immediately, but soon thereafter. My compulsion is not something I feel even remotely comfortable with, and so it has to be cold turkey for me.

I was reading some other resources recently, and I'm convinced of the value of making the determination to be in control. Whether that means quitting cold turkey, or in smaller regular doses.

Personally, I think we shouldn't need to view porn at all. Not because it's particularly immoral (although theres arguements to support that) but because any amount of porn, leads to more porn. Its the nature of the beast. (I'm not criticizing the measured approach at all by the way, just the way I feel personally)

Maybe one day I will be able to look at porn and have the same strong psychological/sexual reaction to it, the compulsive hoarding, the intense objectification - but I cannot see it happening anytime soon for me.

Some good anti-porn resources

2006-05-21T17:09:00.000-07:00

Like everything, some of the stuff on these should be taken with a grain of salt, some of the writing seems a bit full on. I am always looking for more secular (that means non-religeous) anti-porn info and if you spot anything drop me an email ( tryingbloodyhard at yahoo dot com ) and I will link it, if its okay.

Pornwar.info features posts on the topic of quitting porn by what looks to be a former addict. Some of which has religeous undertones, some doesn't. Still, its a good resource.

One Angry Girl is a site that features a large collection of anti-porn resources including news articles. Some of which may turn you off (pun intended) a bit given the tone of writing, but theres a lot of great information there too.

Feeling okay. Got so much stuff to do these days. Porn free and clean = you start living your life again.

are you ever cured of porn addiction?

2006-05-18T16:07:00.000-07:00

When I heard acoholics on television talking about their addiction (which in hindsight is incredibly courageous) and they always say that they're still an addict even when they haven't had anything to drink for years. I had always thought it was a bit melodramatic and silly.

I haven't gone to porn since I started this effort - (and it must be pointed out this is not the first time I have "given up" and I wonder if perhaps those alcholics were onto something.

My sex life has improved out of sight and my personal life has improved, I feel better in myself than I have for ages. Yet, when I am asleep I dream not just of having sex with porn stars, but of accessing porn. In other words I have dreamt of the act of accessing porn. Theres an important distinction to make there. I would say without a doubt porn is so deeply entrenched in my psyche that I am indeed, an addict, and I will be for a very long time, if not for the rest of my life. I'm not saying that this is an excuse if I fail, that will be my fault, but at least I'm recognising that the latent desire to view porn isn't something thats going to go away anytime soon.

It's also easy to succeed when you've decided that porn isn't something you want to seek out any more, but for example in the last few minutes, somebody sent me xray pictures of some people having sex - which isn't really porn, but I honestly didnt realize what they were until I had got 3 pictures into the set. And then another few minutes later, on a forum someone posted links to a place that has free emagazines (of all types). But the dicussion quickly got around to the fact that the site also has free porn emags. And even as tawdry as they sounded (as folks started talking about them) I couldn't help but feel attracted to following the link. I pressed back and got out the conversation, but the point is, its fucking hard to resist the stuff if you stumble across links to it, and you hear what is at the other end of the link.

Porn doesn't scare me, but my ability to control my interest in porn is what scares me. I was out of control for years, and living a half-life in a lot of ways, and within seconds I could be viewing it, it's a difficult thing.

So as it turns out, I now think that yeah, you become addicted to porn pretty much longterm. It will hopefully get easier and to continue to stay porn free, but It's important to recognize the affect of porn and say to yourself,

1. I recognize that I'm out of control with porn
2. I also see that my compulsion is getting pretty unhealthy

(there's nothing unhealthy about sexual expression, but porn is about sexual repression in a lot of ways.)

3. I will struggle with this for a long time, but if I don't start today, this will always be a problem in my life.

That all sounds a bit heavy. Sorry. Still clean, still feeling good. Start your porn free mission today.

Question and answer time!

2006-05-14T17:52:00.000-07:00

A guy emailed me (email address is up the top of the page if you want to ask/discuss something) asking the following:

"What is your opinion of the effect of porn stories or text porn?"

And I thought that would be a good topic for a post.

Your brain is the most powerful part of your sex life. The power of your brain translates thoughts and images onto screens into powerfully sexually arousing stuff. Otherwise we'd all feel a little silly jerking to a porn mag or bunch of pictures. Our brain fills in the dots.

I found personally that a few of the explicit stories ive read were so clumbsily written that they had very little effect on me. However, I still remember a few of them to this day.

Good or bad? Well thats hard to judge.

I'm trying to keep clear of porn and because its sometimes hard to picture a specific woman naked when you've seen so many, the porn stories let you assemble something similar in your mind. But here's the rub. Its pretty much the same shit we deal with with porn. Too much of anything is a bad thing. If you are reading too much in the way of erotic writing then I'd lay off for a while. If you find it difficult to not read that kind of stuff (or porn at all) then I'd say you've go the same issue as me, porn addiction.

I think that they contribute to the general degredation of our standards, and I've read some pretty fucking racy porn stories that if they were a picture set, I don't think I would of kept looking. For example BDSM images don't do much for me, but Ive read a few stories because the writing puts me in the headspace of someone who is into that. Is that a good thing? I dunno. Probably not I would say.

I don't think that the porn stories are very healthy, at least with a picture set you can more or less see whats coming, occasionallly ive read stories that eroticise/fetishise some pretty crook stuff and you only realise what you are reading as you are actually reading it. Plus like all pornographic material, it seems engineered to take heaps of time, and give you very little in return for it.

Hope that helps!

a month and half in... (yes!)

2006-05-14T17:37:00.000-07:00

First up a quick hello. I've been very busy, living my life really. The more time passes the more I realize how much better off I am without porn in my life. To quote chris from porn forgotten in this excellent post:

Meanwhile, look at your life and start fixing your shit. Ditching the porn is a nice place to start. Work on that for a few months. Enroll in a martial art and learn to fight. Then get some psychotherapy. Then quit your shitty job and go do what you want to do with your life. This process might take you years, but it's worth the trouble. Little by little, you'll realize that you're not a loser, and that you're fully in control of your own destiny. Eventually, porn will just seem to you like a waste of time.

Which is a simple and positive answer to the porn problem. The quicker you get rid of it, the quicker you can start enjoying life, building yourself esteem up, and enjoying actual sex with not yer hand. Once again I have to tip my hat to this guy, he writes like a professional. Pretty inspiring if you ask me.

almost a month

2006-04-27T16:39:00.000-07:00

I'm amazed to be honest that I have lasted this far. When I sit down to write this, I feel like im documententing something that didn't really happen. Porn took up so much of my life, and to look back on the last month and see the difference it has made to give it up is pretty amazing.

So far, my sex life with my partner has improved greatly. I feel we have better sex and more of it. It took a little while for us to get it together, but I feel the lack of porn has slowly starting to convert into more regular sex drive. Which makes me feel really fucking good.

I feel like my creativity is also starting to come back. I think because porn becomes so prominent in your mind its hard to be artistic or creative.

I have so much more time to do stuff now too. I'm amazed by how much time I was dedicating to porn. It really, literally, wastes your life. This is time you don't get back folks...

On that note. I'm off to do some stuff for a project ive been working on intermittently, but since giving up porn have had the time to actually make it happen.

Life without porn is better than life with it.

day 22

2006-04-21T17:45:00.000-07:00

Im hungover and a bit tired. And that would usually be as good an excuse as any. But instead, I think I will have to clean up the house and go to the gym instead.

If my pants department doesn't thank me, the rest of my body will. ;)

Human Rights Watch - Against the traffiking of Women and Girls.

2006-04-20T18:48:00.000-07:00

Trafficking in persons — the illegal and highly profitable recruitment, transport, or sale of human beings for the purpose of exploiting their labor — is a slavery-like practice that must be eliminated. The trafficking of women and children into bonded sweatshop labor, forced marriage, forced prostitution, domestic servitude, and other kinds of work is a global phenomenon. Traffickers use coercive tactics including deception, fraud, intimidation, isolation, threat and use of physical force, and/or debt bondage to control their victims. Women are typically recruited with promises of good jobs in other countries or provinces, and, lacking better options at home, agree to migrate. Through agents and brokers who arrange the travel and job placements, women are escorted to their destinations and delivered to the employers. Upon reaching their destinations, some women learn that they have been deceived about the nature of the work they will do; most have been lied to about the financial arrangements and conditions of their employment; and all find themselves in coercive and abusive situations from which escape is both difficult and dangerous.

Read more here

Still need a reason to give the porn a rest?

day 20 - time is starting pass...

2006-04-20T17:40:00.000-07:00

I'm still going. I upgraded my computer and as well all know that ends up being a multiple day saga before you are even remotely back to normal with the computer. At least it is, if you are as finicky with the computer as I am. Quite a bit of time has passed now - it feels like absolutely forever since I looked at porn. On one hand it feels like forever, but to look at the amount of days - 20 - it seems like nothing. I think for a regular/compulsive porn user, I am starting to go well.

I make a habit of posting in the times that I feel I am most likely to want to access porn as I've mentioned previously. I think this is a good habit to get into. Also I'm finding that I'm filling the massive amount of time porn takes with other stuff. Thus needing to spend less time writing about it.

The morality of porn.

Todays post I thought I would talk a bit about the morality of viewing/using porn if you are a non-(insert religion here) and why even if you are a fun lovin' atheist it's a good idea to give waving the pork sword and the rudey pages a bit of a rest. (i'm being a bit sarcastic, but I going to be serious in a minute - look out for it.)

Porn in and of itself, doesn't have to be a bad thing. I know of/have read and met folks who have had really positive experiences with porn. I've met a few women who have found it really sexually liberating to be involved with and view porn. I know me personally, i'm not sure I needed as much sexual liberation as I was getting into.

A negative aspect of that same sexual liberation is that it comes at the expense of your sexual growth in the real world. I have never masturbated and enjoyed it more than your average everyday real sex. I think this is important to establish as porn makes your sexual gratifcation and release related to time spent alone concentrating on your dicks needs. Regular human sex (hah!) requires you to interact and build a relationship (at least in varying degrees) and sex is a reward for your efforts. But its more than that, its not a "be good" and you'll get sex kind of cause effect thing. A proper relationship gives you the feeling of being loved and cared for and allows you to do the same for your partner. Porn effectively stunts your ability to relate to women in a more meaningful way as you end up obsessing about the sex. Sex is part of the fun, but it's not what human interaction should be all about. Its fucking important, and great fun, but I think porn tends to make you overstate the importance of sex.

I think its good to push back taboos and open your mind to alternative thoughts and cultures. But also think too much porn can really really badly fuck you up. It literally seeps into your conciousness and you lose control over your ability to prioritise, you lose your pespective on how long you spend on it as well. Using me for an example. If I didn't spend so much time on porn, I could have done a 1000 other better things with my time that would have been fulfilling or at the very least more social than jacking off alone.

The social impact of porn. Now this is something that you will either buy into or you won't but I can tell you right now - you're a fucking idiot if you're not able to imagine some of the flow on social affects of porn. This is the nasty stuff.

What I am talking about when I say social effects of porn is simple. Porn tends to hyperstimulate you sexually and you'll end up looking at some pretty messed up shit before you'll (even as a hardened porn viewer) say to yourself, "thats pretty fucked up - I think I'll look for some slightly less hardcore shit to jack off it."

The sex industry variously employs women and men, and I'm sure theres a small percentage that find their work really enjoyable and fulfilling. But I think/know that theres a stack of women who get traffiked into the sex trade who are FORCED into prosititution. Porn may not be responsible per se for this, but it helps to create the climate where sex tourism of poorer countries is an almost acceptable thing. A lot of people would know at least one person who has holidayed in thailand and spoken about the sex trade.

There are some transcripts and interviews from the excellent current affairs program 4 corners which details the account of a mans wife who is abducted and sold into the sex trade. I think to say that porn didnt have something to do with the evolution of this kind of sexual slavery (in the modern age - I understand its been around for a long time) would be naeve in the extreme.

I think theres further flow social effects as well in terms that most people might find easier to understand. I know I started looking at fairly softcore stuff to start with. But porn is always about the "quest for the perfect porn" and so you tend to naturally gravitate towards hardercore, more extreme, more high quality, bigger, "better", porn. What that means is that you end up looking at some pretty nasty stuff. I think your normal person doesn't have to look at double penetration extreme closeups for hours on end. I still don't even know what would fucking drive me to be even vaguely interested much less fascinated with that sort of shit. But there you go.

Once apon a time I wouldn't of been able to imagine how folks got so twisted on porn that they end up in all sorts of messed up real word sexual situation (like the famous story of the guy that stuck a geranium up the urethra of his penis, and then found he couldn't get it out because of the way a geranium has little spikes on the stem that all go one way. HILARIOUS by the way ;) ). Where was i? Oh yeah. Being serious. But in the years that Ive been into porn it's becoming apparent that while I may not have it in me to carry out sick porn fantasties (i mean the nasty stuff) theres PLENTY of folks online who have fed their obsessions online, and then they go out, and they do with other consenting adults, or and this is the key of what I'm getting at: they force their sexual fantasies on unconsenting adults and sometimes on children.

I'm not saying for a minute that sexual abuse is something you do automatically because of your involvement in porn, far from it. But theres impressionable people out there who are fucked up and can't tell the difference between reality and porn. The social effect of porn on this basis alone is devastating. The effect of sexual abuse a man, woman or especially a child's life is absolutely staggering.

I would at this point in time, like to make it clear that while I have never ever ever fantasized about the kind of abusive material which makes folks get into that kind of shit - I have however seen plenty of "lesbian", "glamour porn" or "double penetration" stuff in which the women don't look really all that happy. I am extrapolating from this to follow a line of thinking. I dont mind being a porn addict, but would never in a 1000 years want to mistaken for someone who condones or accepts sexual abuse in any format.

But thats the guts of it though isn't it? You end up condoning all sorts of sexual behaviour when you start up the browser and get into the nasty stuff. You make that path a little more well trodden in your brain, and soon you find yourself disgusted with what you are doing.

Sorry to get all preachy there, but as human beings - especially if you don't do the whole relgious junk, you need to remember that real people are often negatively affected by porn, and often in a really bad way. Plus we need to show those self rightious, holier than thou dickheads that you don't need god to be compassionate and respect women.

And thats the last thing I want to touch on in this (already long) post. Respecting women. I think the porn industry would have us believe that its all pretty fun and sexually liberated and cool in the porn industry. It's just not. Maybe a few places have better working conditions, but generally speaking (and even if the money is good - and it's not THAT good) its a humiliating and degrading thing to have to do for a crust. Imagine if you fucked all day until your respective private parts were raw, and then got back in the saddle and did it all again the next day, and the next... I know i get tired of fucking after the 2nd or third time in a day. Reading pornstars more private blogs (I used to do that too) they often admit to the sex being painful and having to explain to their partners at home that they just can't have sex because its too painful. So its not a exactly a bed of roses for the pornstars either.

Not to mention the younger girls (and men I suppose) who get involved in porn wanting to be stars who are pretty much used as sperm recepticles. I just don't think that's something that you would want your loved one to be treated like. Porn doesn't teach you to respect women (or men) as human beings, it just teaches you that fucking them and using them is the best thing you can with them. That's a basic failure in human compassion I think.

So far we have on the topic of porn morality:

1. It affects your ability to relate to real people in relationships and sex.
2. It takes a massive chunk of time away from your life. You don't get that time back.
3. It's all pervading, in other words it fills your mind and leaves room for little else.
4. Social flow on effects - sexual slavery, sexual abuse
5. Respecting women (& men if that's what floats yer boat)

We as porn addicts don't need the morality trip from the Christians. They can keep their judgement - but think you need the morality and the understanding of what your/our habit really entails. If nothing else bear it in mind next time you want to view porn and you're finding it hard to resist. Its not all glossy lips, big fake tits and smiles. It's a nasty business (at times) that profits of people like you and me.

day 12 just a very quick one today

2006-04-11T04:48:00.000-07:00

Well I am 12 days in and once again posting when there is ample opportunity to look at porn. In fact I am home alone tonight and could have quite conceivably spent a good part of the evening looking that shit up, watching clips, downloading more stuff.

I'm still porn free. Which i'm feeling has got to be a milestone of some sort for me. At least in recent years. It feels really good actually.

Looking at tonight, I recognized that there is a danger in being home alone, and mucking around online. In time to come I think I will be able to grow more self control, but I was feeling at a really low ebb, and if I hadn't have got out of the house, I think the pull of porn could of got me.

As a note for potential partners of porn addicts: It sounds abosolutely absurd to even write this, but porn has a pull that feels almost physical in it's strength. I don't know that it's possible to speak for everyone but if you have someone who is trying to deal with porn addiction, please understand that it's really amazingly difficult and this shit seeps right inside of your psyche and it's really very hard to shake porn. It just is.

But I recognized the warning signs and I went out to do some exercise and had dinner out of the house where I could reward myself for excercise and the determination to ward off potential problems by just getting away from the computer. I'm quite proud of even that. Small victories I geuss.

So, this will be a very short update as I have to do some work, which means I need to sit down on the computer and focus on getting it sorted. As with last time I was left alone in the house, im planning to get what I need done on the computer as quickly as possible so that I can go to bed early and get a decent nights sleep.

Thanks to anyone and everyone reading. I would encourage anyone to try and go down this path. I feel better today than I have in weeks/months even.

day 6 - slowly surfacing

2006-04-07T17:26:00.000-07:00

I feel like I'm starting to surface. Like I've been stuck in this murky water for so long and perhaps, just maybe I'm getting to the point where I can see that I can succeed in this.

Porn takes so much of your mental headspace it seems to leave a pretty big vacuum in your downtime. Even when you are not viewing porn it doesn't seem to be far away from your conciousness. And when you decide that it's unhealthy and it's not something you want to do anymore it's really hard.

I was thinking about how everytime you feel the porn addiction, the more hungry you become for it. Its like eating nothing and being hungry for more nothing. Except sexually. If that makes sense.

You can assume that if I'm posting that I'm in a time that I would be at risk of viewing porn. Right now is one of those times. Instead I'm heading out for some food and then I have work to do.

Today actually feels good. Before I've been struggling to feel remotely proud about this journey, but as more time elapses I feel that it is an achievement to break such a strong habit. I don't think anyone is powerless against porn, but by the same token it is no small thing to break the "comfortable habit" of porn viewing.

how to quit porn: my running to do list

2006-04-06T17:25:00.000-07:00

I thought I would compile a bit of a to-do list to help me and hopefully others quit porn sucessfully.

1. Delete it all off your computer.

This may take a while as I'm a sneaky bugger and I had quite a few tricks for hiding it. (Once again I'd rather not share these to stop encouraging other people to use my porn hiding techniques). Try and remember everywhere so you can get all of it. Don't procastinate on this or hang onto favourite porn.

2. Accept it's your fault you are into porn.

Accept that it's your fault you are heavily into porn. No matter how slick and fascinating the "new big thing" is in your porn obsession or how you came to be addicted to it, it all boils down to you. That means you are the person who can control if if you want to.

3. Read christian anti-porn websites

They're funny. Hehe. Okay Sadly there's not really very many secular anti porn websites online that deal with sexual compulsion. Ive been looking around and it's pretty much the god squad that have stuff online. If you selectively read the messages you can at least get the impression that there are other folks out there in the same situation. Messages that I would encourage you to NOT TO absorb from christian anti-porn websites are "you are helpless about your sex addiction and you need to submit to god to deal with it". This is pretty destructive and as I mentioned before, it takes the responsibility and the control away from you. YOU are the person who has to have the determination to deal with this. You can get outside help, but the longer the message is out there that you cannot do anything about this, the longer folks believe they can't. If you need religion to beat porn so be it, but the first steps come from YOU.

As an additional comment on Christian anti-porn websites: You don't need to know gods views on sexual deviation. Just because BDSM, Gay (lesbian or gay) sex, or anything else in the pan-odeon of sex is what gets you off doesn't mean that in and of itself that's wrong. Sexuality and what excites you is your and your loved ones business - it's not within the realm of anti porn sites to call what is good or bad. I personally am very into lesbian porn but to be aroused by that concept is not something that I'm ashamed of. Two chicks = twice the fun! But I digress. ;)

4. Find other outlets for your energy. This is something chris from pornforgotten mentioned to me.

I've been actively taking an interest in my physical fitness in the last month, and a trip to the gym takes a little longer than an hour. As well as dealing with some of my root insecurities by working out I have less time to get into porn. If you fill that time with constructive activities away from the computer or creatively fulfulling endevours on the computer and off it, I think it's easier to be clean of porn. Ive been feeling a lot healthier since I've been excercising regularly and I'm taking my quitting of porn as another step towards a healthier lifestyle.

5. Avoid the temptation

In previous attempts to quit porn (mostly sub 5 day affairs) I've found that the less opportunity you give yourself to view porn, the easier it is. In other words be in control when you are on the computer, but also try and avoid danger times such as late night when you are tired or when you are guarenteed private time when your partner (if you have one) isn't about. Control and limit your computer usage during these times. (I actually stole this bit of info from a christian website - see they're not all useless.

6. Blog it.

I know it seems spastic that an anonymous blog can be a powerful tool in the self control stakes, but It's helped me take some definate first steps and reading porn fogotten is actually what got me started this time around. I read chris' post from earlier and I would love to see a wider network of quitters so we can really start a bit of a movement. Porn is a secret obsession/addiction and the steps we can take to lighten the load using blogs is an easier way to share albiet anonymously if you need to.

7. Anonymity.

I acknowledge that I have to tell my partner about this. I just don't even know where to start. I feel so fucking humiliated everytime I even think about doing it. I want to tell her, but at the same time I want to avoid the christian trap where they tell someone else, get the release of telling them and in some way then find thier concious salved. I want to tell her, but right now I want to be clean. I don't want to be saying to her, I have a problem with porn and not have the good news that I'm actually dealing with it.

Telling her will be the hardest thing about quitting porn I think. I was in a comfortable relationship with my porn addiction and telling her also seems like a formalization of my desire to quit the porn. I want to tell her so much. But I'm also deeply afraid of the damage that it will do to our relationship. I'm so sorry to her and I deeply regret the YEARS of porn. I'm just scared that telling her will be really full-on and something that she will find too confronting.

8. To be continued...

Every day is a new challenge. When something goes wrong like I mentioned previously I wanted to come running back to porn for a quick sexual release. Stay on track. Stay focused and use the energy you would have used for porn to invest in your relationship or your quality of life.

good morning day 5

2006-04-06T16:41:00.000-07:00

Well, It's day five and I'm still good. Right now I feel the temptation quite a bit but my determination is also solid. The first post today will be more of a diary type thing, but I have some porn culture thoughts I want to talk about as well.

My grand plans for a night of romance to sooth my need for sex basically ended a bit disasteriously. We both were too tired to do what we needed to do, but more than anything my gf just wasn't into it. I "withdrew" went and had a shower. I went back to talk about what happened and my partner had subsequently fallen asleep.

This initially dented my pride, and I went off to do some work (yes actual work not porn) on the computer.

On reflection it's apparent to me that had I been into the porn the previous nights I would have probably avoided sex. But it would have been bugging me mentally.

Basically it was bad timing for a bit of disaster in bed, they happen when neither of you are into it, every once in a while. The thing was, after I got over the feeling of being upset and talked about it, I still had the desire to look at porn. This would be pretty much the first time I was trying to inject porn into my life because sex didn't happen to work out properly that particular night.

And I'm really happy I haven't. Once again I am by myself on the computer and I have other things to deal with instead of satisfying myself with porn. I think the further I get away from porn the more likely my brain is going to try and substitute the desires and reasons for looking at porn. In other words, I'm so used to looking at it for just about any reason, now I've cut that off, I get the definate feeling that I'm looking for excuses to get back into it. I think that's symtomatic of how I felt after disasterous adventures in bed the night before.

It's natural to feel your pride dented when sex doesn't go well, but it would of been absolutely foolish and a very bad precedent for me to console myself with pictures of (insert porn starlet here - i'd rather not mention specifics to stop fellow quitters looking up names out of curiosity). So I'm clean, and I'm 5 days in. I have had a potentially disasterous thing happen and I've managed to stay clear of porn.

At first I didn't feel proud of my decision to quit porn - I just wanted to be clean and there was nothing to be proud of to beat porn. But today, I feel that I've acheived a small milestone on the road away from sexual dependency to porn.

later that night... (11pm)

2006-04-04T06:09:00.000-07:00

Feeling a bit itchy and like if i spend any more time on the computer I will "find myself" checking back the usual places for porn.

It's shit because I know I need to do work right now, but I feel like I should just go to sleep so I can avoid the temptation.

Fuckit. I'm going to take a book to bed, and I'm going to get a decent nights sleep. Then at least I'll be 2 days in, and clean.

Oh and...

2006-04-04T03:38:00.000-07:00

On a related note, I would like to publically thank Chris from porn forgotten for sharing his story as it was what really the catylst for me wanting to truly give this shit up. I wanted to before, but was sick of looking for anti-porn websites that weren't full to the gills of Christian rhetoric. Just because I want to be more sexually mature and able to be in control of my sexual urges, doesn't mean I want to be sold your religion thanks very much. And this is another thing that I'm convinced we need, more secular help for porn addicts that skips on the preaching and more with the common sense.

I will try and keep an eye out for other websites. I know I am not the only person dealing with this. It just feels like it sometimes.

day two observations

2006-04-04T03:08:00.000-07:00

Today is potentially the worst and kind of best kind of day for me. Especially right now. My partner is interstate on business and won't be back until tomorrow.

So previously that would of meant that I was clear sailing for unfettered porn browsing. I was thinking that I would of been busy pleasuring myself all night, but in reality I would have been furtively looking at pictures or clips followed by a briefly enjoyable but ultimately unsatisfying orgasm.

I still feel a little numbed by the whole prospect of giving up porn properly. I have tried to make a clean break in the past, and have found myself back onto it within the week. I think because you tend to feel a bit degraded and yuck after using porn, the long term affect is that it affects how you see yourself and your own sexual mechanisms.

Basically, I would LOVE to be looking at porn right now. Even though I don't really feel that sexually into it, I know that I could be ogling women engaged in 3 somes with other unfeasibly built women... Something to think about while I am alseep tonight perhaps. I feel that if these kind of fantasys are played out in my sleep then that's pretty acceptable. I can't help but feeling my repositry of mental sexual stimulation has been so heavily corrupted by porn that fantasizing about simple "healthy" sexual fantasys always have that more hardcore bent in my mind now.

I think porn has sapped so much time and imagination from my sexual life as well as my regular existence. I cannot believe how much time I have previously dedicated to it, and I cannot believe that I could be so actively engaged in such an artificial world. The shameful thing more than anything else is that because of my porn obsession numerous real world sexual encounters with my partner have gone begging because I "wasn't feeling well". (Gross out warning here to partners of porn fiends and porn fiends alike) In actual fact, I just didnt wan't (in my paranoia) her to notice that my balls were small because I had already ejaculated earlier that day. Avoiding real sex because of a relationship with porn is a pretty fucking big flashing neon light that not all is well at the inn, folks.

So I have busyed myself by putting up some posters, watching a DVD and have some actual genuine work I intend to get stuck into right after I finish this post.

All in all, I just feel conflicted between a compulsion I know is stupid and the hardworn path of porno related sexual dependency. I will not get into it tonight and when my girlfriend gets back from her holiday I am hoping we can have some genuine human contact (and plenty of sex to boot).

My porn first steps

2006-04-02T17:31:00.000-07:00

Okay. So now the realization is that I cannot and will not be viewing porn is starting to settle in.

I thought I would talk about how I ended up getting into porn in the first place.

When I was 12 years old, a good friend of mine told me he had a playboy magazine and did I want to see it? I said, no, I didn't. However he badgered me and badgered me and I finally agreed. We were playing near our local cricket oval.

We went into the bushland behind the oval, and hidden under some logs and leaves were 2 picture magazines. (Picture is a fairly softcore weekly porn magazine that is sold where I live).

I was at first shocked and kind of horrified, but curiosity got the better of me and I looked it over. There after, my friend always had porn magazines, and like most sex obsessed teenagers, we would furtively search the television guide for shows that had (n) or (s) in the ratings, thus telling us that it had nudity or sex scenes in it.

I don't think that this is an unusual sitation for teenagers to be in.

However, the magazines that my friend was finding (stealing from his older brother, father or the bin outside our local newsagent,or finding them as previously mentioned in the bushland behind our local cricket oval) were getting increasingly explicit. And so we had them hidden in a cubbyhouse hidding deep in a dense blackberry bush (thats a kind of thorn bush).

And I started visiting the cubby by myself so I could look at the porn. That is my first memory of the compulsive reaction to porn. I would also wander around behind the cricket oval in the bush by myself looking for any more porn. On recollection now, (and this is the first time that I've ever really talked about this) it probably was a bit sketchy as somebody had to be leaving the porn in the bushes there.

A couple of years into this I would have been 15 when my mate rang up and said to come down to his place. His parents weren't home and he was over the moon that he had bagged one of his brothers rented porn tapes.

And that was the first time I saw hardcore x rated pornography. I was on one hand absolutely mortified, but on the other fascinated. I think that feeling of personal compulsion versus your conscience is a struggle that has plagued me, and probably stopped me ruining my relationship. I am grateful for my concience in at least that way.

It was pretty heavy stuff, and I have over the years thought about tracking down a copy of the video in question so I could see it again. Just out curiosity you know? Theres something deeply fucked up and sinsister about how you end up justifying these things to yourself.

Apart from my brother threating to reveal to my Christian parents my exposure to porn, that was pretty much it for the next year or so. (that in itself really messed me up as my brother used it as blackmail so I would be quiet whenever he himself had got into trouble).

Funnily enough it was brother who was the catyst for the next stage in my exposure to pornography. When we were visiting my fathers work where there was an internet connection, we were allowed to use the internet. I used for emial and study and it was pretty cool to be online. However my brother quite happily would look up porn on that computer while dad was at home (dads work was only a short walk from home). I was once again embarassed and compelled at the same time to look. Thinking back he looked up all this weird star trek porn where there would be primative photoshop jobs of star trek characters nude. It seems kind of silly, but every step of the way I was getting further in.

A year or so later (I would have been 17) we got the internet at home. At first I wasn't brave enough to look porn up myself and I would search the internet cache for thumbnails and images that my brother had looked up. But that didn't last for long and I would start looking up stuff myself. I was hooked.

After a period spent away from home (I was 18) I moved back into the state and bought my first porn magazine at a newsagent. I took it home and wanked myself raw over it, and suceeded in sinking to a new personal low.

I moved interstate shortly thereafter and was living by myself in a tiny dingy little rented room (very seedy dirty place) while I worked very long days in the construction industry. I had some cash to spend so I would often go and purchase the more hardcore restricted magazines at the local shops and take them back to my flat. It was messed up, and getting slowly more like the compulsion I have today.

More time passed (it is AMAZING how much time a porn addict will spend looking at porn and willing to sacrifice to porn) and I got my own computer. I told myself it was so I could play games, but ostensibly I bought that computer to feed my porn addiction.

I started doing stupid shit like visiting hentai (really stupid anime style japanese cartoon porn) and printing it out. The printout would be black and white and really crappy quality. I don't know what that was about but it is pretty embarassing now that I thinking about it.

Once I had the internet I have been in this kind of porn induced stasis. I go to work, and I am in a loving relationship. However when my partner is away for any extended period of time (meeting friends in town whatever) I act like the martyr who has to stay home and "get some work done" when in actual fact I will be downloading shit online.

And so to this morning I have purged my exisiting supply of porn and made the vow to go clean. I don't object to sexual stimulation and gratification, but personally it is absolutely way out of my control at the moment, and I have been cheating on the person I most love in the world for that same cheap stimulation.

And it has continued like this in the last years. Porn has robbed me of time, sexual energy for my partner, made me really messed up inside and made me not as good a person as I could be. And what's more It's not specifically porn's fault. It's MY FAULT. I let this happen, and I am the one who has to make it stop.

the long road

2006-04-02T17:12:00.000-07:00

Okay. So what happens when you try and give up porn. Most accounts that I read seem to indicate folks end up back there again. Usually within a short period of time.

I've become addicted and feel a strong urge/compulsion to view porn whenever I can. I feel absolutely morally bankrupt.

Last night as I went to slept I was thinking about how to go about the perfect way to propose marriage to my girlfriend.

This morning I spent more of my goddamn life looking at porn and then masturbating.

Can anyone else see how stupid that is? I can but at the time I cannot stop myself. And so I am going to try and clean it out of my life. I am quite liberal/left thinking and I would consider myself a freethinker, but I have let this overwhelm me and now I really am out of control. I might not be cheating in real life, but every time I get into porn and wank I feel that I really genuinely am cheating on my partner. And its absolutely fucking inexcusable. I would absolutely die of shame if she caught me at it.

So here is my goal.

1. No more porn, not even a little bit, just no more porn at all.

2. Once I am clean and have been clean for 3-6 months and I feel like I am ontop of this problem, I will ask to marry the girl I love.

3. I will document my experience and I will be 100% honest in this space.